I slept alot today. For some reason I feel like its Saturday everyday. Its like bill murray stuck in the movie "Ground Hog Day".
For graduation so many people gave me gifts, I don't deserve those gifts, I hope they didn't feel like they needed to bring those gifts, I just wanted to see the people whom I invited.
I've been sick for a few days now. Its awful, like a summer flu. Not only now do I have allergies, but I have the flu. I feel a little dizzy, must take occasional emergency bathroom breaks for both ends of me. Its terrible, I desperately want to hang out with some close friends, unforanetly, how can I when all these symptoms are quite prevelant so often?
I'm in dire straits with my creative self. I want to create, create, create! I want to write, write, write! I feel such a creative urge of the like that I've never felt before, but I'm not sure how to answer it. I feel one day, I may just go mad, and create a blur of misguided artworks. My hand has this trigger finger only for that of a pencil, and if I got a writing untensil, surely I could create something beautiful or beautifully horrid.
Love life is of nothing. It is but wishful sparks in the air. Nothing new. Mom told me don't rush to get into a relationship, don't rush into marriage, just wait for the one. Hm. Wait. Wait. I'm waiting... *stamps foot* John I doubt will ever call me. So I've stopped calling him. What is the point?
No good friends around physically to understand what deep thoughts I feel mentally. Best friend #1 in Manchester, England Best friend #2 leaving to Mexico in 3 days Hm... Yeah. I have a good friend who is around, but she daubles in gossip and believes in gossip far too much. I have a friend who is grand, but is like Dorie the fish in "Finding Nemo," I wonder if she just has ADHD really bad.
I'm on triplital and efecxor. I am supposed to take triplital(sp?) twice a day. Once in the morning. Once at night. However, it has become recent madness to even try to cover medical costs as of late, unless I insist upon myself that I buy them from Canada. Canada and Mexico have cheaper medicines that are the same of the united states, weird, yeah? Triplital is a medicine that was discovered to stop seizures and balance out emotions. I am not taking it for seziures, I am taking it for balance of my emotions. However, John Nash figured out how to deal with his schizperhia, so can I not learn to deal with my extreme emotions? Can I not live as a "normal" person and not take triplital? Well, I do not know, I know that I have stopped taking it twice a day, and I only take it once in the morning, as it is a habit. I haven't taken it at night for a month. I've recently noticed a slight change... But I'm not sure if its negative or positive yet. I want to be able to live a sponteaous lifestyle, yet how can I if it is medicine I must track down, a drug that fulfills part of me so that I can live... How can I be happy? Efecxor, I recently was told what it was... Apparently I was first told that it also balances out my emotions, but now i've just learned that is a strong form of antidepressant. Efecxor is quite strong, I went w/o it for one day, an it felt like I was living in a dreamlike state - that was indeed scary. Mom has told me that I can live without it. It also treats anxiety, one day I felt literally the walls were closing in on me and it stopped when I took that medicine. Or at least I think that is what stopped it. Perhaps it was a placebo effect.
A dear friend of mine, I believe, as word isn't quite certain, has died in a car accident, I believe, yesterday. She was beautiful, kind, sweet, strong and she will be missed greatly. I am still having trouble comprehending that she is gone. I can't believe she is gone, she can't be goneeeeeeeeeeeeee... I remember only seeing her 6 weeks back. I can imagine her in her coffin. This beautiful woman laying forever silent in the arms of grace. What has happened to her spirit? What happened to all whom she was when the car accident occured? No, I can't believe that it is her. It can't be. Why her? I don't believe she wanted to die. She was always talking about how she loved her kitties, that country music was cool, but hardly anyone at the office wanted to listen to it. No, no, she can't be gone. She wasn' that close of a friend, so I perhaps am not welcomed at her fuernal.. Is there nothing I can do? I wish I could go back an warn her or save her life? Why her life? She didn't want to die. What about all those people that want to die? Why not take one of those suicide bombers instead of her? Why her? She died, then. She is dead, gone. I can't believe she is gone! Her spirit, just poofed, just disappeared. An all that is left is this body, a shell of what she formerly was. What will we do without you? is there a good? if so, I wish god to take care of you and may you dance among the angels and the kitty angels too. amen
is that it?
